How to Help a Grieving Student During the School Day

Reintegrating into the school community is sometimes quite difficult for a child who has experienced a death. There are a number of ways in which a school can help a grieving child make the transition back into the classroom, including allowing them to keep small photos with them, allowing phone calls home, designating a support person for the child, providing a "Grief Pass" for the child, maintaining consistency along with flexibility, increasing communication with parents, and being sensitive to important dates.

Keychains and/or Photos

A small, unobtrusive way to help a child feel safe as well as to feel close to the one they love is to allow the student to keep a picture of their loved one close to them throughout the school day.

A clear plastic photo holder on a keychain can accomplish this. The child can insert a photo or two of the person or people that bring them comfort, which can then be kept in their pocket and pulled out when the child needs reassurance.

For younger children, a small stuffed animal or "lovey" that gives them reassurance during difficult emotional times can also be helpful.

Allow Phone Calls

Grieving children are often preoccupied with the fear that something terrible will happen to their surviving family members.

Allowing the child to make (short) phone calls to their family members, even on a daily basis if needed, can give the child the reassurance they need that their family members are safe and can help them continue their day.

Designate a Support Person for the Student

A grieving child may need additional support during the day if they are overwhelmed with their grief, unable to concentrate, or worried about their surviving family members.

A person whom the child feels comfortable with (maybe a nurse, a guidance counselor, a teacher’s aide, or someone else from the school) might be designated as a support for the child.

The student could then go to this person for support when they need it throughout the day. Support might be talking, or simply being present with the student, or giving the student an escape from the pressures of the classroom.

Provide a "Grief Pass"

Grieving students often feel like they are being watched by teachers and peers to see how they're adjusting in their grief. They're also afraid that they’ll become overwhelmed by their grief and cry in front of their peers.

To help with this, the grieving child can be given a discreet way to notify the teacher that they need a break from the classroom to deal with their grief.

A way to communicate their need to take a break without drawing attention to themselves could be to choose an object or create a "grief pass." The student can leave the pass on the corner of their desk, get up and leave the classroom, and go to their designated support person or area without having to ask or explain their behavior.

If children are not permitted to walk the halls alone (or if the child is too young for this), another option could be to have a corner of the room designated as a safe place for the child. Here — perhaps a reading area, or a beanbag chair, in semi-privacy if possible — the student could go to take a break instead of going to a separate room.

Maintain Consistency, but Be Flexible

Allowing the child to return to a classroom that still functions on the same expectations and schedules as before is important for the child’s sense of normalcy and stability.

While it's important that a teacher's expectations for appropriate behavior do not change, it's also important to keep in mind that that grieving student might have a shorter attention span and more difficulty concentrating on the task at hand.

Providing extended deadlines for papers and projects, and allowing extended time for testing in a quiet area for the student, can make a big difference.

Increase Communication with Parent(s)

Communication with the parent(s) may need to be increased in order to help the student remember all that is expected. Communication systems for homework (and other things) can be very helpful.

Be Sensitive to Important Dates

Remember that for a grieving child, what used to be special days (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries) may now be especially painful days.

As with everything else, the child's lead can be followed — if they want to participate (in making Mother's Day cards, for example), then they can be encouraged to do so. If it's too painful, they can be allowed another activity or given a chance to go to their Support Person.

Some days, like the loved one's birthday, or the anniversary of their death, may simply feel awful all the way through. Being attentive to these dates will at least help in understanding what is going on under the surface.