"It's just like a feeling of emptiness, they’re not there, that you can turn to."

— Zach, 12

"After the car accident, there was so much aggression and so much anger. I couldn’t contain or control myself. I was scared that I wouldn’t be OK and so was my Mom. I’m really glad I got everything out and now I can just be open about everything. I don’t have to hold it in. It’s a life-changing thing."

— Brooke, 14

"I was very sad. My schoolwork started to slip and I just had a hard time."

— Carl, 10

Ideas for Kids

When Someone in Your Life Dies

When someone we love dies, grief is what happens to us. Grieving is the way we feel and act because they are no longer with us.

What is grief? What does it mean to be grieving? Grief can feel very big — especially right after the person died. Grief can be the sadness you feel because you miss them, the anger you feel because they left you, the fear you feel because this happened to you and you wonder what will happen next.

"When my sister died, I sort of felt left out of things and I just felt sort of unequal with other people." — Michael, 9

Grief can cause you to cry in places or at times you really don't want to — like in school or on the school bus. Grief can cause you to be mad at your friends or family — you might even get into fights with them. Grief can make you afraid to be away from home — even when you really want to go to your friend’s house.

Love

Grief is so strong because you love the person who died so much. But a weird thing is that you can’t stop your grief by trying to stop your love for the person. In fact, what we learned from many kids who come to our Caring Place is that continuing to love that person is one of the things that helps most of all.

Taking time to remember the person, and talk about the person, at least with people who really want to listen, ends up helping a lot. It doesn’t take the grief away. After all, you still love them, so you still miss them. But it does help you to learn how to keep on living your life without that person there for you to turn to.

It helps you to learn how to live with the grief in you, and also learn that it doesn’t always hurt so bad.

"My Dad died of a heart attack. I felt isolated whenever I went to school. I didn’t really tell anyone; I just sort of kept it to myself. I couldn’t relate to anyone because no one else I knew had ever experienced a death." — Ron, 11

Feelings

Someone you love has died — and it hurts. There are a lot of ways you might feel that hurt.

You might feel sad:

• Because you can’t be with them anymore
• Because you miss the sound of their voice
• Because they aren’t there for you to talk to
• Because so many other things in your life have changed
• Because you miss them
• Because others around you are sad
• Just because … in ways that you don’t understand

You might feel angry at:

• Yourself
• The doctors who took care of your loved one
• Your friends
• The other people in your family
• Your teachers
• God
• Anyone else who didn't have someone die in their family

You might feel afraid:

• Because you don't understand why this happened
• That someone else might die
• That you might die
• Because you don't know who will take care of you
• Because others around you are very sad
• To be alone
• To go to school or be away from home

All of these feelings are very normal after someone dies. They are what many, many kids feel. It's OK to feel these things. It’s OK to be sad or angry or afraid. Having someone we love die is very sad. Having someone we love die can make us mad. Having someone we love die can be very scary.

"It makes you feel good to get that all out, so you don’t have to keep it all balled up inside you." — Rashawna, 15

What Can Help?

What can be helpful is to find an adult you can talk to about the way you feel. Someone that you know cares about you and will take the time to listen to you, who has helped you with other hard things before. This person can be someone in your family or in your school, someone who is involved in an activity with you like a coach or a scout leader, or someone in your church or synagogue.

Even though it might be a little hard, or you might not know what to say, telling someone how you feel after someone you love dies can help so all those hard feelings don’t get stuck inside. And since the feelings come back again and again, being able to talk about them again and again can keep on helping.

Feeling Alone

A lot of kids tell us that after someone they love has died, they really feel all alone. They feel like none of their friends can understand what they’re going through. A lot of times, their friends don’t even want to talk about it.

"I felt lonely. Sort of like you’re sick and you go to a group of people and they just back away, get away from you." — Stephen, 12

Sometimes, their friends or other kids make fun of them because they had someone die. Even teachers or other adults don’t seem to know what to say or how to help.

Sometimes they want help from parents, or from brothers or sisters, but that doesn’t work either. The kids can be afraid to talk to their parents because they don’t want to make their parents cry. Or, instead of helping each other, many times the people in the family end up fighting a lot. So the kids feel very alone in all these big emotions, even when they want to talk about it.

More kids tell us that they feel alone after someone died than anything else.

You’re not alone in feeling alone. If you can talk to someone who will listen to you and not make you feel bad, that can help a lot.

But even if you have no one to talk to right now, all the kids on the website have had someone die. You may not know them, but you can see that they have gone through something like what you are going through.

"It's healthy to talk about her and keep her memory alive. I mean, she’s still a part of us, you know, and that’s not going to change, never." — Kevin, Caring Place Parent speaking about his daughter who died

The kids you see and the kids whose words are here felt alone once too. Maybe reading some of their stories will help you to not feel so alone too.

Memories

When someone we love dies, we want to remember them. Sometimes kids who come to the Caring Place say that they are afraid that they will forget what their loved one looks like or what their voice sounded like.

The best way to remember them is to share the memories you have of them. To talk about them. To share your favorite stories about them.

Another good way to remember them is to have other people who knew your loved one tell you their stories and memories of them. Sometimes telling these stories or hearing them will make you cry. Other times it will make you laugh. That’s OK — crying and laughing is what we do when we remember.

Sometimes sharing stories will make you miss that person. Sometimes it will make you feel closer to them. That’s OK, too — it’s all part of loving the person who died.

"One thing that made me really sad when my baby sister died was when relatives and other people we knew would say, 'You have to keep busy and move on with your life. Just try not to think about her so much.' But that made me feel really sad that everyone wanted me to just block her out, to forget about her.

But when we came to the Caring Place, suddenly it was almost like she was still alive because no one was afraid to talk to us about her and ask questions and see what she was like. And it gave me the best feeling knowing that I could always keep her memory with me and alive wherever I went." — Katie, 13

Here are some simple ways that you and someone you are close to can help you remember the person who died:

• Put together photos of the person who died in a photo album or scrapbook.
• Have people who knew the person write down stories about them in a book for you to keep.
• Write a message to the person on a piece of paper, attach it to a string on a helium balloon, and let it go into the sky.
• Talk about them.
• Have someone make a pillow or pillowcase out of one of their shirts.
• Wear a piece of clothing or jewelry that belonged to them.

Grieving can be scary. And it’s important to know that, although you will always remember the person who died and always miss them, it probably won’t always hurt so bad.