Triggers of Grief

Many things can trigger a return to the pain of grief, including sights, sounds, smells and tastes, along with growing into new experiences in life now without the one we love. Whatever causes us to feel the pain again, if we realize that this is just a normal part of the spiral of grief, we can be less worried that we are going back to the beginning.

All of us have difficulty facing the intensity of grief indefinitely. Even soon after the loss, we will spiral back and forth between intense pain and exhaustion or numbness. As the months pass and we move upward on the spiral, the grief softens in intensity.

After months and years, larger spiral patterns emerge. After moving to the back of the spiral for some time, we may think we’re finished with the intense grief for good. But then something triggers our grief, and sooner or later we’re back on the front of the spiral again. But that won’t be forever either. And what we have learned as we travel this spiral road of grief will be available to us at any point we reach further down the road — when the grief flares up in intensity, and also when it’s on the back burner, still simmering, but not boiling over at the moment.

Many things can trigger a return to intense grief — a birthday or other holiday; the anniversary of the death; seeing some clothing once worn by the one who died; catching a smell of perfume, or food cooking; hearing an old song; the death of a pet or another relative or friend.

Developmental issues can also trigger a return to the front of the spiral, especially for children — when a girl has to start junior high school without her mom; when a boy turns sixteen and realizes he doesn’t have his dad to teach him how to drive; when a child reaches adolescence and begins to think about the whole world in a deeper way; when a young girl joins the Girl Scouts without her older sister to lead the way; when the surviving parent begins to date. Any or all of the feelings of grief can come pouring back into the lives of children or adults years after the death occurred, sometimes with an intensity that’s frightening.

Managing Our Grief

Understanding the road of grief as a spiral can help us to anticipate what might be coming, and to understand the changes that occur. It can allow us to begin to manage our grief, and to organize our experiences.

Instead of convincing ourselves that we’re getting over our grief at the first sign of movement towards the back of the spiral, we can realize that this softening of intensity is not forever. And when we spiral back around to the front, we don’t need to be frightened that we’re right back at the beginning, that we haven’t learned anything in managing our grief. Realizing that the grief will follow a spiral path can lessen our anxiety, since coming around to the front again doesn’t devastate us because we have some anticipation of it.

As one father from the Caring Place told us:

"It has been a number of years since my son died. I don’t live in the difficult days of the beginning anymore, where I was just trying to hang on, where it took all my energy just to put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. Things aren’t as difficult now. But I know that at any moment, that grief can swing around and smack me full in the face again. It happens. And I deal with it in ways that I’ve learned to. I don’t run from it. I use it as a way to remember Ian. And then the grief backs off. What I know about my life is that grief comes and goes. And knowing that, I’m not surprised when it comes around again."

"Getting over" grief is not what the grieving and mourning processes are about. What is important is learning how to manage the grief over time, and learning to live with our grief while spiraling back and forth on our lifelong journeys.