"When my family first started attending the Caring Place, I really did not believe I needed any support or help. I thought I had everything under control. I was wrong. I did not expect the profound result of healing that would occur when I talked to others about my experience, and saw their smile of recognition that said, 'I know exactly what you are going through.'"

— Jennifer, 17

"Whether it's from the Caring Place or anywhere else, getting help is the hard part, but it's the part that makes you whole again."

— Lynne, Caring Place Parent

"At the Caring Place, for the first time after our son died, my wife and I could talk openly, we could weep openly, we could share grief with others who could understand exactly where we were coming from. We had people who cared about us. And helped us. It wasn't recommendations that 'You can do this,' or 'You can do that,' or 'You'll feel this way,' or 'You'll feel that way.' It was just somebody who cared. People who listened and helped."

— Ben, Caring Place Parent

What Now? What Next?

Grieving children need support and nurturance to help them cope with a death. Children will feel supported when others can provide feedback and encouragement about their feelings and behavior after the death, especially when this comes from others their age who have also experienced the death of a loved one. Even if a child doesn't show signs of problems, just the fact of having experienced the death of someone close means that support can be very helpful. Parents also help their children by taking care of themselves in their grief.

When a loved one dies, we want what's best for our children and for ourselves — but what is best? And how do we help our children get whatever that is?

No one needs to feel like they have all the answers — because no one does have all the answers. No one needs to expect that they should be able to "fix" their children who are grieving. This is not something that can be "fixed."

The important thing for parents of grieving children is to continue to be there for their kids, as they can and how they can, and to continue to take care of themselves.

Support

Bereaved children need support and nurturance to help them cope with the disruption caused by a death.

Parents and other caring adults, as well as the child's peers, provide nurturing when they are available — when they can just be there — to listen to and empathize with the children.

The children will feel supported when others can provide feedback and encouragement about their feelings and behavior after the death.

"The best medicine anyone can give is listening. That's what any grieving person is looking for — someone to listen." — Mike, 18

The ability to cope well with such an overwhelming event as a death in the family, for both children and adults, is greatly helped by having the support of others outside the family.

Research from the Harvard Bereavement Study has shown that grieving children who were communicating with peers and friends were found to be more connected to the person who died, had higher self-esteem, and were less at-risk than those who weren't.

It was also found that one of the things that made it easier for a grieving child to speak with a friend was having someone who had gone through a similar loss. Unfortunately for most children who have suffered a loss, their peers have no idea how to talk with them about this experience, and there are rarely others in their circles who have also experienced the death of someone close to them.

For this reason, it can be very beneficial for grieving children and teens to have a chance to meet with and talk with others their age who have also experienced the death of a loved one.

"Does My Child Really Need Help? — She Seems Fine."

Children, like adults, grieve in their own unique ways. Your child's grief may not look like yours — it may not even look like what you thought grief should look like. But that doesn’t make it any less real. Even if you don't see problems in your child, just the fact of having experienced the death of someone close means that support can be very helpful.

It may also seem that you can wait out this grief. Children are resilient, and, after all, don't people say that "Time heals all wounds"? Unfortunately, children are not very "efficient" in their grieving. Grief is too overwhelming for most children to take in full force. So they approach it, and then back away again, looking for all the world like nothing is wrong at all, and then come back to experience it again.

"Even seven years after my wife died, I found there were things I had to attend to. Life goes on, but the grief lies there inside and holds you back from really celebrating life." — Paul, Caring Place Parent

Research on grieving children has shown that many bereaved children feel fearful and anxious, which is not unexpected, although significantly more children feel fearful a year after the death than right away. And many children are more at risk for emotional and behavioral difficulties two years after a death than they were immediately after the death, or even at one year after the death.

The loss of someone we love is a great upheaval. Children can find hope and healing in the midst of this grief, a discovery which is greatly helped by the support of their peers who have had similar thoughts, feelings and experiences. Grieving children need support. Attending a program like the Caring Place is one important way they can receive this support.

Taking Care of Your Children Includes Taking Care of Yourself

After a trauma like that of a death in the family, it is natural for parents to focus on caring for their children. But it is important to realize that one way that parents can help children is by taking care of themselves.

In the midst of taking care of others who need you, while your mind is reeling and your heart is broken, caring for yourself after the death of a loved one can be a major struggle.

Realizing that your own grief is unique — that it's your grief, and that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, regardless of other people's well-intentioned advice — is one way of taking care of yourself in your grief.

Another way is by feeling and expressing your grief. You can't get to the other side without going through the door — the door of grief. Feeling your grief — your sadness, your anger, your pain, your broken-heartedness, your loneliness, your fear — as you are ready and with the support of others who care about you, is a way of taking care of yourself. The only way through the grief is to grieve.

The energy it takes to grieve will reduce what you're able to do, so it's all right to adjust your expectations. Another way of taking care of yourself is by giving yourself permission to do less, to let some things go, to expect less from yourself.

Finally, parents at the Caring Place have taught us of the importance of "grief companions" who accompany us on our journeys. While no one can take away our grief, or walk our journeys for us, we don't have to walk the road of grief alone.

The term "grief companion" was coined by the eminent researcher and grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt.

Expressing our grief and sharing our feelings with someone who listens to and accepts those feelings, can help to make the grief more bearable.

The Highmark Caring Place

For children and families who have experienced the death of a loved one, the Highmark Caring Place provides additional support and nurturance.

The children have the support of others like them who know what it's like to live with such a big loss. They have the support of their peers and also of caring adult volunteers and staff.

Through this support, through this encouragement to communicate thoughts, feelings and memories, grieving children and adults come to accept the reality of their loss, to experience its pain, and also to find a new place for their loved one in their lives, through sharing their memories with others.

"I'm glad the Caring Place was here for myself and my daughter because I don't know how we would have gotten through the past year without it. I firmly believe the Caring Place has helped us heal." — Debbie, Caring Place Parent

In this way, both children and adults do find ways to manage this painfully difficult grief and continue to live life.

The Caring Place is not a clinic where people come to get treated. The Caring Place is a community where people come to get support.