The Importance of Remembering
"A lot of times, people around you don't want to talk about the person who died. They don't even want to say the person's name, because they think you might cry, or you'll feel bad."
Susan's daughter Sarah died several years ago, not long before Sarah's eighth birthday. Susan, along with her husband and older daughter Nicki, started coming to the Highmark Caring Place a year later.
"But we want to talk about Sarah-we want to remember Sarah," Susan adds. "People don't realize how that helps keep the person alive. Sure, we might cry because we're going to remember some good times that aren't here anymore. But we don't want to ever forget those good times. We don't want to forget Sarah."
Nicki, twelve, adds, "Sarah was seven when she died. But, she hasn't disappeared as long as we keep her in our hearts and keep her in our memories, and we talk about her."
"Sarah's alive in our hearts and in our minds," Susan says, "and if more people were to come to something like the Caring Place, they might realize that that's what we want to do. We want to keep them alive in our memory."
Working with memories is the central work that children and families do at the Caring Place. This work takes many forms, from simply telling stories about the person who died, to making memory boxes in which keepsakes are placed, to sharing photographs of the loved one, to creating beautiful quilt squares in their honor. Memories help keep the relationship, and the person, alive in those who love them still.
Steve Woods, a Child Grief Specialist at the Caring Place, has worked for many years with young children. "One of the things I find when I talk with young children," he says, "is that they're often afraid that they're going to forget the person who died. It's a very real fear, a feeling that the dead person will simply vanish from their memories just like they disappeared from their day-to-day life.
"And these fears aren't made easier by people trying to be helpful, telling the children to 'stop dwelling on it', 'think happy thoughts', 'get it out of your mind'. The first thought many people have is to help alleviate the pain by taking away the cause of the pain-the thoughts of the one who died. What we've seen at the Caring Place, over and over, is that, although the memories can be painful, they are the keys to the door through which kids, and adults, have to go in order to move on in life.
"Remembering," Steve sums up, "is the most important part of grief work."
Samantha and her niece Casey were one of the first families to be part of The Caring Place, after Casey's mother, Samantha's sister, was killed in a car accident. Samantha spoke of the power of memories as she recalled a recent experience, more than five years after her sister had died. "I was cooking in my kitchen and memories of Gail just came back, without any conscious prompting. And I remembered how I used to call her 'Gail Annie', a name that no one else ever really called her, and something I hadn't thought of in years. A smile came to my face as I was lost in the reminiscences, thinking about how she would sign her cards to me 'Love, Gail Annie'. When I snapped out of this memory I was standing in the hallway with tears coming down my face, but it was such a beautiful connection to my sister, a continuing of our relationship."
People have a natural urge to tell and retell the story of the person who died. This is more than a natural urge-it is a deep-seated need that people have as a way to come to terms with an event that resists a full explanation. Even the phrase we use-"coming to terms with"-means putting an event into words. Moving along the journey of grief means telling the story, in many different ways, at many different times. The stories and the memories-the stories of the memories - are a major part of the healing that can occur after a death.
Andrea Lurier, Manager of the Caring Place facility in Pittsburgh, says that remembering the one who died, and talking about that person, is like lighting a candle in a dark room.
"Remembering a parent, a brother or sister, an aunt or uncle, a grandparent, is a way of making our hearts a little less dark. Remembering helps us to know that the people we love, even though we don't see them now, live on in our hearts. When you remember, you shine a light in your heart.
"Saying the person's name is a way of remembering. Sharing photographs is a way of remembering. Talking about favorite food, singing their favorite songs, all these are ways of remembering. Even saying how much you miss the person is a way of remembering. And the remembering brightens the darkness."
Katie, thirteen, recalls how people tried to help her and her sisters, "One thing that made me really sad when my baby sister Shelby died was when relatives and other people we knew would tell us, 'You have to keep busy. Move on with your life. Just try not to think about Shelby so much.' But that made me feel really sad, that everyone wanted us to forget her, saying, sort of, 'Why don't you just block her out?'
"But when we came to the Caring Place, suddenly it was like Shelby was still alive because no one was afraid to talk to us about her and ask questions and hear what she was like. It gave me the best feeling knowing that I could always keep Shelby’s memory with me and alive wherever I went. And that she would also be remembered by people here and not just us at home. And the quilt square that we made was really special, because even more people who visit the Caring Place will get to see Shelby’s picture."
Or in the words of seven-year-old Gia, who spoke up at a quilt dedication ceremony after her father died, "The quilt told me that I’ll always remember what he looks like."
Helping people remember, whether through a quilt’s stories in pictures, or through other stories in words, is what we try to do every day at the Caring Place.
