When Tragedy Strikes
When something terrible happens — and the people involved are those we know, admire, and care about — we want to reach out to everyone. We are hoping to find just the right person, words or information that will make it all better, put it into perspective. We wish for some magical answer. We struggle to find order and meaning in an event or experience that makes no sense. This searching is in part because these events touch on our worst fears and our greatest uncertainties. It is frightening to know that the perfect, magical solution is not there.
However, in our search, we also find many people who care. Even if they are unable to fix the situation, they help us manage it. It is in this process of coming together, asking the questions, sharing our fears, wishes, and hopes that the opportunity for healing happens.
Fred Rogers and Hedda Sharapan offered helpful and consoling suggestions for children and families after 9/11. Our suggestions here build on similar philosophies and themes for helping children and families manage a sad tragic death, particularly when a community of children and parents is personally involved.
Gather Your helpers
Who are our community helpers? They may include school staff, parents, and community professionals who are trained to help us cope with tragedy. It is important to pull these adults together to develop a plan, communicate news, and look to one another for support. Some of these people may help immediately; some are here to help down the road.
Encourage children to identify these helpers too. Noticing these people and talking about the ways they have helped, keep adults and children focused on feeling supported and safe. Let children know that as parents, teachers, and other caring adults, we intend to keep them safe.
Help children feel safe
After a tragedy, children understandably become aware of and concerned about their safety, their routines, and their basic needs. They want to know what they can count on, what they can predict; they want to know they will continue to be cared for. We can assure our children that we intend to be there to take care of them. The word "intend" conveys that we, the adults who care for and about them, will put forth our best efforts without making impossible promises. Know that patience and repetition is important here.
Monitor the information we give to children:
Limit children's exposure to outside sources of information. Plan out when to talk to children and what to say. Provide them with clear, accurate, and developmentally appropriate information. Tell children the truth. It is difficult to find the right words to explain hard situations to children. Take time to practice if needed. Acknowledge when we, the adults, do not know something and when we need more information.
Recognize that children take in all that they hear and see. Children will pick up on rumors, information, or speculation overheard from open or overheard adult conversations as well as those of other children. The reality of a tragic event is scary enough. Rumor, fantasy, and speculation leads to increased undue anxiety and misunderstanding.
Listen
Even with our best efforts, children will have difficulty understanding devastating, emotionally upsetting news. Once children are given information, it is important to listen to their questions, fears, and misunderstandings that persist as they struggle with very hard concepts. Statements like, "Tell me what have you heard?" or "Tell me what do you think happened?" may invite children to work on their understanding and express their fears.
Sometimes we must listen beyond the children's words. We must listen to their feelings, behaviors, and play. It is through their play that children may express their worries and concerns. However, play that seems unhelpful or unsafe - play that is repetitive, offers no relief to the child, seems stuck, may indicate that the child needs help. We can assist by redirecting the play into more caring and hopeful themes. Sometimes professionals need to help.
Current losses stir up old losses and children will re-grieve these losses
When a beloved community figure dies, it brings back feelings of loss children may have experienced in the past or losses they fear in the future. Be aware and listen for these stories. These stories and themes may be the true issues for this particular child
Hurting people is not an option
Use this as an opportunity to teach children that anger is an ok feeling; hurting someone in anger is not ok. It is normal for people to disagree, to get angry. It is not ok to hurt someone in anger.
Moving into grief work
The horror of a tragic event overwhelms a community, children and adults. After awhile, children grasp the event and begin to feel a bit safer. Then, they may begin to acknowledge the absence of the person who died as changes, replacements, and missing occurs. They may then begin to let in some of the feelings of grief-apart from the impact of the trauma. Support for children at this stage is every bit as important as crisis support.
Children's feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and memories about the person who died continue long after the tragic event itself. This grief work goes on long after the event itself and long after many caring adults think it will or should.
Set up consistent but gentle opportunities to express and remember
This opportunity needs to be balanced with the need to maintain the safe structure of the community day and calendar. Provide children with gentle, predictable, ongoing opportunities to talk about what happened and the person who died. Consider doing this for the next year, at least beyond the anniversary of the death.
Commemorate and remember as a community
Consider how you might remember this person formally and as a community. Is there a focused place in the school to share photos, memories, thoughts, in the immediate time frame? What might be a way to remember for the children and adults in the longer time frame?
Acknowledge that loss leads to change
If a teacher or principal dies, the transition to a new person will be difficult. Children will be ambivalent - they may want this person to be exactly like the person who had died and feel disappointed. They may feel reluctant to accept this new person because they want to remain loyal to a beloved teacher or principal. Acknowledge these feelings and support these new people coming into your school community.
